Tell me who you are.
I have just finished scrubbing Welsh mud from my leather boots. It had attached itself with quite some determination and I felt a tinge of disloyalty as I prized it off. I had become quite intimate with that mud during the retreat; landing in it bum-first whilst searching for the compost loo in the dark, dragging the tails of my cardigan in wet puddles of it wherever I walked, disappearing in it up to my knees trying to cross a stream and watching it ooze between my toes as I strode barefoot up a hill. In-between roaming the wilderness of Mid-Wales I had been sitting in a sacred wooden lodge questioning who I was. I was on a self-enquiry retreat.
I had read all about this technique, my husband had even done the same retreat with Shivam a few months ago and I was busting to do it myself. I knew I could trust the teachers and was prepared to immerse myself completely in the practice. I am so glad I did. The intensity and grace of the experience was profound.
During the three days, self-inquiry permeated every moment as I returned again and again to the question – ‘who is sitting/walking/eating/waking up?’ Wave upon wave of beliefs, sensations, longings and illusions lapped at the shore of self-inquiry and were dissolved. The process was hilarious and tragic, beautiful and devastating and felt like a deep deep cleanse. As I looked into the eyes of another so I dived inside myself, touching the ache of what it is to be human and finding ecstasy and agony in equal measures.
The practice of Atma-Vicara or Self-enquiry, which was first recorded in the Bhagavad Gita over 2000 years ago, requires nothing more than for one to abide in their own sense of existence. During the twentieth century this ancient practice spread to the west through the teachings of great Indian Sages Ramana Maharishi and Nisargadatta who wrote the first Modern texts on Self enquiry ‘Be as you are’ and ‘I am that’. In the 1960s, Charles Berner (pictured above) developed a technique he called ‘Enlightenment Intensive’, a three day program of intensive self-enquiry where participants spend 18 hours a day contemplating who they are. The core of this program is the 'dyads', set periods where participants sit opposite one another inviting a response to the statement ‘Tell me who you are’.
I felt supported in every moment by the fierce love and silvery kindness of the teachers. Patiently and persistently they re-orientated me towards my sense of self, cradling me coracle-like as I let go of the river bank and surrendered to the flow. A flow that sent me striding into the howling black jaws of a stormy night, longing to be devoured by fear and that swept me into the arms of a bony tree where I was held seed-like over a clear stream.
This has been an experience like no other. My bones have been rattled, my heart beaten and my senses strummed. I have felt what it is to praise every moment, balance on the edge of longing and surrender to grief and love. I am more awake than I have ever been before.